Tales of a Tour Guide

A Rosh Hashanah Message of Peace and Goodwill

2006-09-21T15:14:00.000+03:00

This blog is usually marked by my cynical sense of humour. I like to take a wry, sarcastic approach to my travels with tourists. However in the spirit of Rosh Hashanah I will (temporarily) break with this and try instead an attempt at sincerity and dare-I-say-it

I love what I do. With all the ups and downs, and irritating people and stupid questions I still love it. One may criticise this kind of work as only helping rich, spoilt Americans - but I have no doubt that the Jewish-Israel education I am involved in, changes people’s lives.

This week I sent out a Rosh Hashanah message to all the people I had guided in the last year or so. I spoke of my concerns and sadness after the difficult year we had just faced and also the positive message that I felt we could take forward.

The number of responses I got back was amazing. Many people replied just to say ‘Shana Tova’, but many others wanted to update me on their lives, tell me how much their time in Israel had meant to them and share with me their responses to our recent war. A couple of examples are below.

Our tour of Israel was a significant event in our life. It changed the way we think about Israel and have become a big supporter at this time of war. You made our trip very special

We think so much about you and all the people we met in Israel, especially though the trying times of conflict. This trip meant so much to Mary Dawn and me.

All these messages made me realize that for all my cynicism – What I do matters and I have a great time doing it.

That is all for my Rosh Hashanah blog reflections. Next post sarcastic A will be back.

Books MEME

2006-08-23T14:07:00.000+03:00

I am responding to Parrot's MEME with a Israel/tour guide angle – as is expected of me by this point. Loyal readers (all 3 of you) who are interested, should feel free to take this list as suggested reading on Israel list – which is something I am often asked for.

One Book that changed your life
It has to be Exodus I am afraid (Leon Uris version not the God version) – despite the cliché. I read it aged 12 or so and it started my road to living Israel.

One Book you have read more than once
The Yad Ben Zvi 'Jerusalem - A Walk through Time' book. I use this all the time when I guide. Takes the effort out of the preparation but don’t tell anyone.

One Book you would want on a desert island
Yehuda Amichai – Poems of Love and Jerusalem.

One Book that made you laugh
I know it is not strictly Israel related – but ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’ is a laugh-out-loud book. Basically this guy ‘Dave Gorman’ makes a drunken bet with his flatmate that he can find 54 other people called Dave Gorman. He then proceeds to travel around the world to win his bet. (It is part of a whole genre of books I have that I call ‘drunken boy bets books’). My favourite part is when he comes to Israel because someone has sent him a page from the Tel Aviv phone book with five Dave Gormans listed. Sadly when he gets here he discovers one Dave Gorman with five phones!!!. Rak B’Yisrael. I schlepped naches however when he says that Israeli Dave Gorman was his favourite DG.

One Book that made you cry
Someone to Run With (Mishu L’rutz Ito) by David Grossman. A really great book that brings the Jerusalem streets alive. It’s a tale about two teenagers and a dog living in Jerusalem. Part drama, part mystery, part romance. I recommend it unreservedly. The movie has just come out for lazy non-readers.

One Book you wish had been written
My own book that I am planning about Jerusalem. I can’t give you any more details here, as I don’t want anyone to steal my idea.

One Book you wish had never been written
The Source by James Michener. It seems like a great concept but every time I try to read this book, I can never make it past the Crusades.

One Book you are currently reading
Amos Oz – A Tale of Love and Darkness. Riveting and compelling

One Book you’ve been meaning to read
I can’t believe I have never read this book and my credibility as an Israeli tour guide will be seriously damaged if anyone finds out – but I still haven’t read Herzl’s Altneu Land. I wonder if they make a Lett’s (Cliff’s) notes.

One day ahead of disaster

2006-07-20T12:45:00.000+03:00

Well my last group returned last week and not a day too soon. I mean that literally. Everywhere we went we seemed to be a day ahead of war.

We visited Kibbutz Erez adjoining Gaza. We watched the smoke from IDF shells passed bulldozers preparing to re-enter Northern Gaza. When the group asked where the border actually was they were surprised to be shown the fence a few dozen feet in front of them. The following day the army entered Northern Gaza and recaptured the former settlements of Alei Sinai, Nissanit and Dugit.

I thought we had passed the dangerous part when we went north. We stayed at Kibbutz Maagan on the shores of the Kinneret. On Wednesday, the group’s final day in Israel we visited Safed and shopped among the galleries in the old Jewish quarter. On Thursday Ketyushas hit Safed killing and injuring residents there. Maagan is now empty of visitors and the hotel is closed.

My next group is due to arrive on Wednesday, but right now we don’t yet know if they will come or not. Everything is on hold and we are waiting for news. With my recent record it might be better if they cancel.

A, (soon to be unemployed if this goes on much longer) tour guide

"............."

2006-07-09T11:05:00.000+03:00

Things did improve since my last post. The group is going well and I just spent a very meaningful Shabbat with them. However now I have a different problem.

I have lost my voice.

Pretty much completely lost my voice

I open my mouth and a sort of whispery croak comes out.

It can’t even be called sexy – which is generally the one compensation you get when you lose your voice.

This is something of a problem for a tour guide who depends on…you know …speaking at loud volumes (or indeed at any volume). It would probably be comical if it wasn’t so annoying. I still have another four days of guiding with this group – and then another group arrives shortly after they leave.

Help! What does a tour guide do when they lose their voice?

Suggestions welcome in the comments box.

DON'T MESS WITH PMS (I would have said PMT but S rhymes better)

2006-07-06T21:29:00.000+03:00

There is no doubt in my mind that male tour guides have it easier than female ones. They don't have the bus driver power struggle to contend with. They are not patronised or flirted with by aging tourists. No one criticises them for dressing too casually or not wearing make up (It has happened to me more than once. I kid you not) and most of all...they never have to guide with raging PMT (PMS for my American readers).

Today was one of my worst days guiding ever. Everything that could go wrong did. And to cap it all I was in the midst of hormonally provoked emotional meltdown.

It began badly when I lost some jewelry at the hotel. I ripped apart the hotel room but couldn't find it.
Then the lunch turned up 45 minutes late
Then we arrived for the meeting we had scheduled in the afternoon in Ramle it turned out that they had forgotten about it and there was no one there to meet us.
So I called ahead to our next location to say we would be arriving early. No problem they said. But when we arrived the message had not been passed along and I had to make more frantic calls and more waiting before our site guide arrived.
I should mention that my phone battery that was registering full last night - dropped down to nothing this morning so I was doing all of this on no battery.
Then I got a call from my bank to say that they couldn't approve the guarantee for my rent payments for the year (This is for some bizarre system that my landlord wants me to pay by, under which I have to have a guarantor for the whole year's worth of rent for reasons that I don't understand. I have not yet told the landlord)
Then we got caught in terrible traffic coming into Jerusalem.
After the traffic cleared we didn't make up much time since our bus seems unable to go above 50km an hour going up hill. The journey to Jerusalem is all up hill
Then on arriving at the hotel I discovered that I had not had a room booked for me for the weekend, and since the hotel is now full they can't give me one. Which means I have a 45 minute walk to and from the hotel over Shabbat.

My work day began at 7.30am. It will finish at 12.30am after I have finished the tour of the Kotel tunnels. It is only 9.30 now so I still have a few more hours of things to go wrong.

Kenayna HaRa

2006-06-30T18:16:00.000+03:00

I just got back from a trip with a national Jewish organisation from the States. Despite the size of the organisation the group was small. Very sweet though. Around half way through a trip, I know things are going well, when the participants start arguing over who I will stay with when I come to visit America.

One of the participants in the group was 90 years old. He was incredible, as he gamely walked around Masada for two hours, rode the jeeps and climbed the innumerable steps of Safed. He wasn't even the slowest person in the group. He told me all about how on his last trip he met a woman and took her back with him to the US. He was looking for a new one this trip. It did get a little embarrassing at Yad LaKashish (Lifeline for the Elderly) when he was older than all the people there.

I hope I have even a fraction of his energy at his age.

Shoa Business

2006-05-31T16:22:00.000+03:00

Sorry Blog readers for my neglect over the last couple of months. Parrot insisted that I post before the end of the month so here goes; I am just getting it in before the deadline. (Unlike the Israeli Government for example who still haven't passed the 2006 budget. Does anyone else find that worrying. I know we had elections but I am pretty sure they wouldn't accept that excuse if your term paper was late at University).

This story didn’t happen to me, but was reported by a fellow guide/educator. S was discussing with a group different methods of educating about the holocaust. One of the participants commented to the group. “It is a good thing that the Holocaust happened because now we have so many programs” Sadly they were not being flippant. Jewish educational priorities are really screwed up.

p.s. I just spell checked this entry and the blogger spell checker doesn't recognise the word Blog. Errm?

What bracha do you say when you pump gas?

2006-04-09T00:13:00.000+03:00

I work with a group of teenagers on a weekly basis. Along with various other things I try to give them a taste of real Israel. I managed this, this week quite by accident.

On our way to the cinematheque I stopped at the petrol station store to pick up something to eat (gas station for my American readers, tachanat delek for the Israelis). As we approached we noticed a large collection of people hanging around the store. Not sure what was going on we approached cautiously. Come in, come in, ushered a man. Still a little confused I took in the scene. A table set with food, a Rabbi. We had wandered into the Mezuzah ceremony at the new store. No store opening is complete without a Rabbi. How very Israel.

Happily Ever After

2006-03-22T21:37:00.000+02:00

After my horrible experience I have to tell you a nice story that happened this week.

The group leader for one of our groups is a female Rabbi (I was not guiding this group but I have been working closely with them). She had a terrible few days on the trip. Her flight was late so she missed her connection and then eventually arrived but without her bags which took another 5 days to arrive. Then she fell ill and spent one day throwing up. Probably not her best Israel experience ever.

Then on Monday the group went to Masada. When the Rabbi got to the top of Masada she found her boyfriend waiting for her. He had flown out from America to surprise her and proposed right there. Isn't that sweet.

Everyone was very excited. It was all very romantic. Proposing in the place 1000 Jews committed suicide 2000 years ago. Its sort of like they are making a commitment to preserve their legacy and continue Jewish existence.

I didn't know people could be this rude.

2006-03-21T09:20:00.000+02:00

I take back everything I have ever said about difficult people on my trips. I have now met the Queen Bee of unpleasant people. Not really the Queen Bee actually – more like the wasp as she doesn’t die after she stings, she just keeps on stinging.

For some reason this woman took an instant dislike to me and didn’t bother to conceal her contempt. From the start she made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in any of guiding elements of the trip and that I certainly had nothing to teach her that she didn’t already know. She repeatedly and publicly criticized me, attacked me and questioned what I said. She interrupted me and spoke to me with open contempt in her voice.

Some examples:

I described Kehillat Kol HaNeshama as a Reform Community – but different from what they might have experienced in Reform Communities in the United States. MW (mean woman) attacked me in front of the entire group and told me that what I had said was offensive and she was offended. Any readers who daven at KKH should feel free to comment about whether they find my comment offensive.
At the archeological dig one person found a piece of glazed pottery. I explained to her that it was pottery imported from abroad and therefore indicated that the people were wealthy. Two minutes later I overhead MW speaking to another guide saying ‘She said it was glazed pottery but I don’t think it is. What is it?’
Also at the dig I explained to a small group including MW, about how the shells they found were crushed up and used to make plaster for walls etc. Walking round the group a few minutes later I heard MW explaining how the shells were used for making plaster. She knew this from the other guide in the cave.
At one point when I said 'So King David built his capital city here. Why did he choose this place'. I got 'Oh Just tell us already'.

To be fair I don’t think it was personal. She was similarly rude to many other people. She told one speaker (a woman doing a PhD in the history of women in Israel) that she [the speaker] was wrong and that she [mean woman] knew more about the subject. She irritated the rest of the group too, who were mostly lovely.

Around half way through the trip she simply stopped participating in anything – which was really fine with me. At the end I was looking forward to seeing what she had the gall to write in her evaluation form, but she denied me this pleasure. She refused to fill it in. Grrrrr.

Well that little outburst was very cathartic for me. I am feeling much better.

Purim Antics

2006-03-10T16:12:00.000+02:00

A huge Kol HaKavod to Jameel who is the brains behind the Purim Parody Blog Super-Shpiel.
I don't know what Jameel does for a living but he probably should be fired. I am sure he has done nothing else for the last week apart from creating parody templates of all of his favourite blogs.

Among those parodied was yours truly. You can check it out here. It is totally hysterical. I could hardly stop laughing long enough to put up this post.

Respect to the guilty ones - PP and S.

Places I have lost people

2006-03-08T23:56:00.000+02:00

On Har Merom on a hike
At the Kotel
Yad Vashem
New York Subway

To be continued...

Update

2006-03-08T23:40:00.001+02:00

Well I promised an update so here it is.

The trip went really well actually. I had a good time and the group was generally great. At the end of the trip, as well as giving me a generous trip, the group bought me an ipod nano – so I guess they must have liked me.

The trip leader was just as insane on the trip as before. She would pull me aside from time to time in the middle of my guiding to ask crucial questions like ‘What time will lunch be next Thursday’. She would always pull me aside from the rest of the group and assume an air of confidentiality even when asking the time.

My evaluations from the group were excellent. My favourite comment was ‘A was wonderful. I want to take her home to marry my son’. If only my skills as a tour guide did translate into girlfriend eligibility.

Several people also described me as patient. This always makes me laugh as both I and my blog readers know how far that is from the truth.

Anyway as soon as the group left the trip leader (who stayed a few extra days in Israel) sat down with my boss for three hours to complain about me. She kept saying how wonderful I was but… Apparently I felt ‘threatened’ by her knowledge and was inflexible when I didn’t do what she demanded. It really upset me until I remembered about the group evaluations and the tip and the ipod. Luckily my boss knows me and her and knows the truth of the matter.

This high maintenance group was in strong contrast to my next group who couldn’t have been more easy going. They never complained. Not once. Literally. I could hardly believe they were American Jews. They were from the mid-West however so perhaps that makes all the difference. I wonder what the next one will be like.

"On a clear Day"

2006-03-01T22:20:00.000+02:00

I am currently in the middle of a rash of groups. Three in a row with no breaks. But it is all going well. I will post m0re comprehensively when I am back at my computer. However as I had a few minutes now I thought I would write about today's events.

Today we were on the Golan. Now every tour guide knows that 'on a clear day' you can see... But how elusive that clear day is. Today we went up to Mt. Bental on the Syrian border. Ordinarily you can see Old Kunitra, New Kunitra and on a clear day off to Damascus. This afternoon you couldn't even see your hands in front of your face. I stood there telling my group what they would be seeing if we weren't standing in the middle of a cloud.

More soon. I promise.
And more on how my trip with the crazy woman turned out.

Driving me insane...and they haven't even arrived

2006-02-12T16:42:00.000+02:00

I have a new group arriving this week and I already know it is going to be hell. Most groups are great, but now and then you get the really high maintenance ones and this is one of those. How do I know? The group hasn’t even arrived yet and here is a sample of some of the questions that I have already been asked.

“Someone is lending me a phone for the trip. Please could you go to their office and pick it up for me and bring it to the airport for the start of the trip”

Them: We need to bring gifts for the children in the hospital and the soldiers on the base that we are scheduled to meet. What should we bring?
Me: Whatever you want will be fine. For the kids toys are good. The soldiers will probably appreciate American chocolate.
Them: But what kind of toys. What types of chocolate? Be more specific.

“I have a bag of toothbrushes (about 50) which I can donate for the trip. Are we interested in using them for the soldiers and/or the children??. They are from the project I did with the dental school back in the late 70"s. They are fully wrapped and safe.” (This isn’t even paraphrased. It is a their words cut and paste from my e-mail)

“Please can you urgently send us a list of restaurant recommendations for when we are in Israel? I know that you promised that a list would be available on our arrival but we need it now urgently, a month before we arrive. We can’t wait”

I Confess

2006-02-11T23:26:00.000+02:00

I have a confession to make. I am pretty embarrassed about it actually – but I feel obligated to bare my soul (at least to my half dozen or so loyal readers). I love Exodus! (The Leon Uris version not the God version although that one is pretty good too). I know it is cheesy but I can't help it. As you probably gleaned from my blog so far I am a pretty cynical person. The product of my breeding I am afraid, but somehow this book still manages to get under my skin.

Right now I am in the middle of reading it again for about the 20th time. I have a habit of reading while I walk, but as I walk into my office – or anywhere else I am likely to see people I know – I hide the book. Heaven forbid my Jewish educator colleagues, or other people I know, should know I read this shmaltz.

Exodus is the book you read before you make aliyah. It is the glorious myth of the Zionist State. Once you live here, reality sets in. Israelis are not all the battle-hardened Ari, or the sensitive David Ben Ami. They are the taxi driver that rips you off, the overweight bus driver (see the last post) and 20 year-old arse in the tight t-shirt and gelled here. Jordana and Dafna may have fought alongside their men but 60 years later women still only constitute 15% of Knesset. (That puts us at 70th place in the world rankings for female representation, tying with Angola).

As a tour guide I try not to deal with myths. I don’t speak about the heroic suicide pact on Masada. I discuss responsible Jewish choices and the issue of glorifying death. I like to call this shift ‘from collective myth to collective responsibility’. Sure I want to inspire people, but it has to be authentic.

But then there is Exodus – and despite myself I crave the myths. Tomorrow I will read Haaretz and be cynical again, but for today I will comfort myself in a world of legend and heroism where Israelis are always right and always beautiful.

Adventures with Bus Drivers

2006-01-31T00:07:00.000+02:00

Sorry for going dark for a while. I have had a little break and not been guiding so I haven't had very much to say. My next group is in a couple of weeks but in the meantime I have decided to sound off about something that irks me. Namely Bus Drivers. Or to be more specific - overweight, middle aged bus drivers who think that since I am a woman I must be open to their amorous advances. Or to put it less poetically - Why don't they stop hitting on me?

Any female guide - especially the young ones - will tell you the same story. Drivers seem to take our very existence and as invitation. Talk about sexual harassment in the workplace. No I am not interested in coming to your room later on. I don't want to get together after the group leaves and I know I look good - no need to ogle. They are usually married too.

The thing that annoys me the most is that they think they are giving me a compliment by hitting on me. For my part I don't see it that way. "Sure you are sweaty, middle aged, overweight and have only half your teeth, but I am so desperate I would love to have sex with you." How hard up do they think I am.

But this doesn't mean I have altogether ruled out the possibility of finding love in the workplace. I still harbour fantasies of the dashing, young, single (wealthy) participant so inspired by guiding (and besotted by my looks) that he decides to stay and woo me. It could happen. I know someone for whom it did. In the meantime I shall continue to ward off the advances of the drivers and come up with strategies to get the gig as the guide for the JDate tour in May.

Follow Up

2006-01-15T22:34:00.000+02:00

In follow up to my post about the Old City's Arab Shuk here are some pics my sister took.

Family Trials

2006-01-07T19:47:00.000+02:00

Well my family is in town. Naturally I was very excited to have them visit. Especially as everyone was coming together - which hasn't happened in 25 years.

I offered to guide them whilst they were visiting. To which my sister responded 'Do you have to...'

Siblings! I am a well respected and well paid tour guide. My daily rate starts at $150 not including tip and I was offering my services for free. I bet if I was a doctor they wouldn't turn away my professional expertise so casually. I bet they'd be calling every five minutes to discuss their latest mole.

Anyway a few of the family did decide to join me on a tour in Jerusalem's old city. After 5 minutes I was the one regretting it. Real tourists listen to what I have to say, are impressed with my stories and ask apposite questions. Sisters - not so much. Case in point:

Me: Now you are working along the Byzantine cardo from 1500 years ago. These stones were uncovered during excavations and are actually the original paving stones.

Sister One: Is that toilet sign also 1500 years old

Sister Two: What about that sweet wrapper.

Example no. Two - whilst discussing uses of a cistern in the Herodian mansions (it is more interesting than it sounds, I promise).

Me: So imagine the situation. You are home one day smoking a cigarette when suddenly you hear your parents car pull up in the driveway. What do you do?

Sister One: I never smoked - that was sister two.
Sister Two: No it wasn't me it was sister three.
Sister One: But it was you who came back drunk from the party when you were 15 and threw up in the hall.
Sister Two: Yes but you were caught with your boyfriend in your bedroom.
Sister One: Only because you told on me.
Sister Two: But I wanted to go to bed.
etc. etc.

Grrr - and worst of all, they don't tip at the end. However they do bring me out gifts and chocolate from home so I guess that it is worth it after all.

Top Five Tacky

2005-12-24T19:18:00.000+02:00

I have decided to respond to Parrots MEME with a tour guide twist.

I was with a group in the Old City on Friday and I spent some time in the Arab shuk so here is my top five funny, ironic or just plain tacky things you can buy in Jerusalem's Arab shuk. They amused my thereby giving me pleasure so that is my tenuous link. I hope you let me get away with it Parrot.

5. Armenian tile with the immortal phrase 'Shalom Y'all'

4. Visit Palestine poster. On sale in the Arab shuk - a reproduction of the Zionist Yishuv poster from the 1920s. The irony makes you reel.

3. Crown of Thorns

2. At the T-shirt shop where T-shirts with the slogan 'America don't worry...Israel is behind you' and the Israeli army logo hang alongside Ts with pictures of Yasser Arafat and the slogan 'Free Palestine'

1. Scary Jesus hologram where his eyes open and close as you walk past.

A Treatise on Genus TourGuidus

2005-12-14T23:27:00.000+02:00

There are six main types of tour guides roaming around Israel with unsuspecting buses of tourists. Here is a quick guide to identifying them. If you can think of any other types feel free to add. If you are a guide - which type are you?

Type One: UDI
Udi is the ex-army guide. Every story begins with 'When I was in the army with my buddies' or 'It was night and we were tracking a terrorist'. Udi will always pack a weapon, even when the group is already accompanied by an armed guide. Udi knows how to survive a week in the desert on a canteen of water and bugs from under the rocks. In fact he probably has done. And he will tell you all about it. There are actually two Udis. In-shape-Udi who even in his late fifties will storm up a mountain in seconds and look down at you pityingly below. Out-of-shape-Udi however has a large pot belly and can't walk more than ten seconds without wheezing. This doesn't faze him at all as he remembers the glory days with his buddies Arik (Sharon) and Moshe (Dayan).
Favourite Sites: Golan Heights Battle Sites/Ammunition Hill
Most Likely to Say: I remember back in 1973
Favourite guiding book: Biography of Avigdor Kahalani

Type Two: Shlomit
Shlomit is the religious tour guide. She always guides in a long skirt and with her hair covered. She almost certainly got her tour guide license after completing a course in Land of Israel Studies at Bar Ilan or the Hebrew University. Shlomit speaks with a messianic fervor of the biblical heroes of Israel and the modern miracle of the creation of the State.
There is a sub-section of this type of guide. Shelomi - the religious settler guide. He is easily identified by his kippa sruga, sandals, t-shirt from his youth movement shevet or hesder army machzor and of course the ubiquitous gun. This is his uniform on duty and off.
Favourite Sites: Kotel Tunnels, Jewish Quarter/City of David/Gush Etzion
Most Likely to Say: According to the Torah
Favourite guiding book: The Tanach of course

Type Three: Yoni
Yoni is a Kibbutz tour guide. He was born and raised on the Kibbutz. He knows the entire region around the Kibbutz as intimately as a lover knows his beloved. He will probably use this metaphor. Take Yoni into the city and he may get a little lost. He is strictly an outdoor kind of guide. You can recognise Yoni by his clothes. He will generally wear an old worn Haganat HaTeva (National Parks Authority) Tshirt, a white Bedouin style kafir be darkly tanned and have dirt under his fingernails. Stop anywhere for ten seconds and Yoni will be brewing up tea with leaves he found nearby. Yoni especially loves to tell stories of the early pioneers. In fact he secretly wishes he was one.
Favourite Sites: Kinneret Cemetery/Tel Chai/Anywhere within a 10km radius of his Kibbutz.
Favourite guiding book: Poems of Rachel

Type Four: Sara
Sara is probably in her late 50s or early 60s. Guiding is a hobby for her and she works a couple of mornings a week as a volunteer guide at the citadel museum, Israel museum or somewhere similar. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of the minutiae of the very specific place she guides but couldn't locate Eilat on a map. She will talk and talk from her mental script oblivious to what is happening around her. She will certainly mention her grandchildren at least once. If your phone rings or you whisper to a friend you can expect a stern glare of reproof.
Favourite Sites: David Citadel Museum
Most Likely to Say: In the next display you will see...
Favourite guiding book: Museum published guide

Type Five: Dave
Dave the over-enthusiastic American guide was born and raised abroad and only made aliyah in his early 20s. Since Dave speaks Hebrew and English with a flawless American accent he can never quite shake the feeling of not being authentic enough. No matter how well he knows the country, or how much he has studied the history he will never really be Israeli. He therefore compensates for his accent, lack of army stories and inability to identify hundreds of types of indigenous plant species by being really enthusiastic. He uses acting, costumes, pictures and props and always speaks in exclamation marks.
Favourite Sites: Masada (lots of costume opportunities)
Most Likely to Say: A long time ago in a galaxy far away
Favourite guiding book: Josephus

Type Six:Anna
Anna was originally European and speaks several languages. You can always spot her by the umbrella that she holds aloft to gather stray tourists and keep them together in the bustle of the Arab shuk. She specialises in Christian tourists. Anna sees through all the people to the stones beyond. Anna is the tour guide from Amichai's poem who says "You see that man with the baskets? Just right of his head there's an arch from the Roman period"
Favourite Sites: Old City of Jerusalem
Most Likely to Say: Follow me
Favourite guiding book: The New Testament

Salty Subject II

2005-12-10T23:47:00.000+02:00

Speaking of the Dead Sea, I heard this story from a fellow guide who was on the trip, so it is not an urban myth. An American birthright group was down at the Dead Sea, and one couple on the trip floated away from the group in order to get more intimate with one another.

For the uninitiated it is not advisable to have sex in water with a salt content 10 times the normal sea level. It is true that this wasn't on the list of specific advice the tour guide gave - like don't get the water in your eyes, don't put your head under the water etc.

The two emerged from the sea in a hurry. The girl was screaming in pain. The medic on the group tried to relieve the pain, but despite lots of splashing of fresh water nothing was working. In this situation there was only one possible solution. Ice lollies. I will leave the rest to your imagination.

Salty Subject

2005-12-10T23:38:00.000+02:00

This weekend I traveled down to Eilat. Not, work - just fun this time. But of course I can't turn it off.

My favourite comment from the bus. "Is the Dead Sea salty on the Jordanian side?"